A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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