So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
