I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Can I color on your dick again?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
