Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
