true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
