my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
