we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
No subtext here. People are naked.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
