when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
