he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Randomize
