Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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