I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
