$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
