youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
