i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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