i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
