Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
