I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
