I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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