The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
