I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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