Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
operation have a gay friend backfired
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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