Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
