No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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