last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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