we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
