Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
