you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
someone owes me an orgasm
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
