I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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