I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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