New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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