woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
