So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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