When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
