Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Randomize
