we have officially lost it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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