dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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