I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
