I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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