Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
