Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
