I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
