i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We got so high we made milksteak
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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