i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
