Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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