Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
