The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
