i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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