Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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