i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
