I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
