It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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